what do i want
“what do i want?” is such an innocuous question, and yet somehow so bratty! when it shows up, it brings this little thrill - like maybe i’m about to open a new door, and then, very quickly, i’m knee-deep in confusion, agitation, even a bit of desperation in the need to answer it in one reasonable way. just one.
what has been my relationship with this question? so far, i think it’s winning. it sits there smugly in the corner, amused at how much i struggle to pin it down. when it’s done watching, it dusts itself off, steps neatly over my defeat, and strolls away.
and the moment it’s gone, i feel relief. i don't have to deal with it anymore. i can carry on, pretending i completely know what i want.
there’s plenty of wisdom out there on how to deal with this question. pause. write down what feels good to you. notice how your body reacts. choose things that make it feel alive. don't let fear drive you.
all of this makes sense. i've tried it. i know of a few things that fill my body and mind with pleasure and aliveness. but then i push them away and return to the familiar: “what needs to be done,” “what my role is in the larger scheme of things,” “what my duty is toward my family.”
i think it’s important to acknowledge that these are real and valid considerations. they are not cop-outs. you should not feel guilty about being trapped by them. we are all shaped by years of rigorous training that starts in childhood.
as a young girl, what you’re supposed to want is to “be a good student,” “a good daughter who doesn’t bring any kind of shame to her family.”
as a young woman, what you’re supposed to want is to “make good use of the education your family worked so hard to give you,” “follow the example of peers who are materially successful,” “get married right and on time”
as a mother, what you’re supposed to want is to “put your kids before yourself.”
and as a career woman, what you’re supposed to want is that elusive balance - “keep your family happy, earn well, and keep moving up.”
these defaults - these “this is what you should want” rules - have served me well. they’ve brought stability and joy. i won't judge them harshly.
i also know they can't be the only answers.
but when the time finally comes to step beyond them, to have the space and freedom to do what you actually want, you find yourself strangely helpless. you have no idea how to begin.
all my life, i’ve manufactured the feeling of being in control. i’ve chosen every path carefully, built one step on the top of other. when things got hard, i dug in deeper. i stayed - out of grit, or loyalty, or both. that’s what i was taught, and it kept me safe.
but since this last year, i’ve been practicing something different - learning how to let that control go. for the first time, i’ve allowed myself to try something for a few months and be okay leaving. i’ve allowed myself to be wrong, to make mistakes, and to walk away from them without harsh self-judgment. i've allowed myself to be questioned by my well meaning family and not have any answers for them. i have gone to bed wondering if they think i am completely lost, or acting privileged, or suffering through a mid life crisis and woken up being ok about being perceived that way.
most importantly, i’ve allowed myself to say, “i only know what i want for the next few months. after that, i have no idea. we will see.”.
that bratty question - “what do i want?” - seems a little more friendly this way.